I Just Do Not Get Women
by Amai Youkaiko
Summary: Submitted for AoGA's March Prompt of the Month. Ruka just doesn't get why his wife acts the way she does so he joins the internet world in search of answers. OOC I know.


**Authors Note: This story has been uploaded for AoGA's March Prompt of the Month Contest. I do not own Gakuen Alice, all rights belong to Higuchi Tachibana. Please review with more than 3 sentences! Please?**

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><p><em><span>MrLucaNogi/0936378/Topic:Women?/001/_

I just do not get women.

They are like another species not gender. Actually scratch that: animals are far easier to understand. I mean, I have been married to Hotaru for a whole six years now and yet everything that comes out of her mouth still doesn't make any sense what-so-ever.

For example: last week I took her to a fancy restaurant for our anniversary and she asked the waiter if they served crab brains! Crab brains! What is with that? Who the hell asks for crab brains at a restaurant like 'La Chevalier'?

Also, when I take her shopping she always manages to stay there for at least seven hours and buy a minimum of twenty bags worth of designer labels all without spending a single yen! How is that possible?

So please! Help me understand how a woman's mind works. Why do they act the way they do?

Yours sincerely,

Nogi Ruka.

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><p><strong>Bubblepop69<strong>:

Ruka-pyon, I do not understand the question. The answer to your problem is easy! However I do not get why you can't see it. I'm sorry but if you can't see what is obviously staring at you in the face then I'm afraid that no amount of explaining will help.  
>P.S Natsume proof-read this ;)<p>

Hyuuga Mikan

**Hyuuga_Natsume**:

Listen Ruka; there is just no hope for us. We are guys and guys will never have the ability to understand the mind of a woman. Trust me, you don't think that in the fifteen years that I've been with Mikan that I haven't tried to understand her? Women are just an unexplainable gender. I mean, Mikan has already told you that the answer is obvious but she's also told me that she'll need a some sort of 'Men for Idiots' to ever understand men. So just give it up.

Hyuuga Natsume

**Mynamesnotpermy**:

-Sigh- While I hate to admit it (and it scares me to even THINK this) Mikan's right. Women hide nothing. . . Well okay, we occasionally hide our husband's underwear and the fact that we do know where they are but that is just our little childish pranks. Other than that we are an open book. Hotaru asked the waiter if they had any crab brains, right? Well, my guess is she either really likes them or she was craving them. Are you sure your wife isn't pregnant?

Ugh, men.

Shouda Sumire

**KokoKola**:

The fire-cracker said it, man. Women are just too different to make sense of. Deal with it.

Yome Kokoroyome

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><p><em><span>MrLucaNogi/0936378/Topic:Women?/002/_

My wife just made me sleep on the couch.

I asked her if she was pregnant and all she did was start screaming at me! It went sort of like this:

Me – "Hotaru?"

Hotaru – Turns around and then put her hands on her hips, "What? I'm busy here, you know?"

Me – "Are you pregnant?" I look at her stomach sceptically.

Hotaru – "What kind of question is that you moron! I'm only twenty-five! I'm not old enough to start having kids; I told you when I married you that I'm only going to agree to have kids with you once I'm thirty-five. Or are you calling me old and fat!" She slaps me on the face then, "Out! I don't want to even look at you right now!"

What did I do? All I did was listen to Permy's advice.

I just do not get women.

Yours sincerely,

Nogi Ruka.

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><p><strong>MYNAMESNOTPERMYGODDAMNIT<strong>:

MY NAME IS NOT PERMY! GOD DAMN YOU, MIKAN. FORGET IT, YOU MORON! FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU DID YOURSELF, I'M OUT.

Shouda Sumire

**Hyuuga_Natsume**:

How the hell did you manage to piss off two women in the matter of minutes? Rest in peace, Ruka. You were a good friend, -bows head in memory-.

**Bubblepop69**:

There are a few things that you should NEVER say to a woman. Here's a few of them:

1: Wow, baby. You are getting old.

2: You've gained a few pounds.

3: Damn girl, you are ugly.

4: Is that a wrinkle?

5: Are you really that dumb?

6: You have zero sex appeal.

7: Are you PMSing?

8: Hurry up and insert job here, woman!

9: Any cheesy pick-up line you can think of.

10: If you sleep with me, I'll give you money.

11: I haven't got any money.

12: We can't afford it.

13: That cream is going to go straight to your thighs.

14: This food sucks.

15: I want it done by insert time here.

And that is just some of them. If you happen to 'accidently' think one of these (and trust me, we will know) buy her something really expensive (but don't buy her a pink frilly dress, okay?). Oh and remember, just like that kids movie said 'I am always right, even when I'm wrong, I'm right'; this applies for all women.

P.S Natsume bought me this auto-correct program for my computer so he doesn't have to proof-read. Isn't it awesome!

Hyuuga Mikan.

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><p><em><span>MrLucaNogi/0936378/Topic:Women?/003/_

Oh my god, Mikan.

How many rules do women have? Actually a more appropriate question: Natsume; How the hell did you survive fifteen years with that woman?

You know, I started this blog in order to get answers to the way a woman's mind works . . . not millions of more questions. Like, how can someone be wrong but yet still right? And how did men survive all of the past centuries?

I bought Hotaru a year's worth of crabs brains and jelly beans and then she said that I was implying that she was a pig. I never said that! I was just trying to make her feel better. I just do not get women, how is it possible to be that bloody emotionally unstable (and we are talking about Hotaru. I feel EXTREMELY sorry for you, Natsume)?

Yours sincerely,

Nogi Ruka.

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><p><strong>KokoKola<strong>:

Dang man, didn't we already tell you not to bother? By the way, thanks. Now my girlfriend thinks all men are jerks. I'll never be able to propose.

Yome Kokoroyome

**MYNAMESNOTPERMYGODDAMNIT**:

What do you mean 'propose'?

Shoda Sumire

**KokoKola**:

Oh crap. Ruka! I'll get you for this!

Yome Kokoroyome

**DaLoveGuru**:

-Laughs til falls dead- Who would have thought that my man Koko would propose to Shouda-san over the internet? Oh and give Hotaru some hugs and kisses for me won't you man? Also tell her that my competition is on at five and I need her approval of my dress. I need Drag Queen this year!

**MrLucaNogi**:

Could you people not spam my wall? I am trying to get answers not drama. Also, is that you Mochu! Are you dressing up like a girl?

**Anonymous:**

Apologise.

**MrLucaNogi:**

Huh? To Mochu?

**Anonymous:**

I mean your wife, you moron.

**Bubblepop69:**

Anonymous is right (what does 'anonymous' mean by the way? I'm guessing it's not her/his real name so. . .). But you have to get down on your knees and do it. Hotaru likes to be in command and she won't like it if you say sorry standing up; she'll see it as you challenging her. Oh and WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HOW DID NATSUME SURVIVE BEING WITH ME! I'm perfect.

Hyuuga Mikan

**Hyuuga_Natsume:**

Man, I have absolutely no idea. I mean, the above post is her on a normal day. You should see her when she's bloody PMSing. It is hell. By the way now that I think about it, could that be your wife's problem?

Hyuuga Natsume

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><p><em><span>MrLucaNogi/0936378/Topic:Women?/004/_

Well, it could be.

However, that was on Mikan's list, so there is no way on hell I'm asking that! How can I avoid conflict with her during this time though?

_Bubblepop69_: Anonymous means that they do not want anyone to know their identity.

_Anonymous_: I tried that already but she didn't accept it. Or do you mean apologise the way Mikan said?

I just do not get women. I'm assuming that 'Anonymous' is female because I don't understand why she(?) would want to remain anonymous.

Hotaru hates me. I'm positive about it. Why else would she completely ignore her husband?

Yours sincerely,

Nogi Ruka.

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><p><strong>Anonymous:<strong>

Correct, I am female. I hide my identity because I don't want you to know it - like Shouda-san said 'women are an open book'. Men simply over-complicate things.

As for your dilemma: I believe that apologising (and showing her that you mean it) should do the trick HOWEVER from what I know of Nogi Hotaru I'm guessing that she'd revel in delight at Mikan's suggestion.

P.S Smart move not asking your wife if she's PMSing. . . especially if she actually is.

**HyuugaAzumiAko:**

I wonder what Aunt Hotaru would say if she saw this? Hehehe. Nah, I won't tell, Uncle Ruka. All you have to do is give me five thousand yen.

Hyuuga Ako

**Bubblepop69:**

Ako! What have I said about blackmailing?

**HyuugaAzumiAko:**

-Sigh- That it's Aunt Hotaru's hobby and I have to find my own?

**Bubblepop69:**

Exactly! Now go draw or something.

**Hyuuga_Natsume:**

You know, I always thought that I'd be the tough parent.

Hyuuga Natsume.

**Bubblepop69:**

I'm not tough on her.

Anyway Ruka, Hotaru doesn't hate you. She doesn't hate me and she ignores me all the time. I'm guessing she just thinks that you're an idiot. Don't get on her bad side, kay? I don't want her hurt.

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><p><em><span>MrLucaNogi/0936378/Topic:Women?/005/_

Okay, so I apologised.

Is it a good or bad thing if they laugh in your face after an apology? Actually is it a good thing for Hotaru to be laughing at all? I think that's the first time in our entire marriage that I've ever seen her do that.

It went some-what like this:

Me – "Uh, Hotaru" fidgets like madman.

Hotaru – Looks at me reluctantly, "What the hell do you want?"

Me – Gets down on one knee, "Hotaru, I-"

Hotaru – Cuts me off, "We're already married, why the hell are you proposing?"

Me – Changes to two knees, then again to a dogeza, "I'm so very sorry! I'm a failure as a husband, no; I'm a failure as a man! I don't deserve you! I'm sorry".

Hotaru – Goes red in the face and then laughs.

I just do not get women! Is she mad or happy? Am I in the clear or have I messed up yet again and going to suffer my wife's torture?

What do I do?

Yours sincerely,

Nogi Ruka.

P.S. Mochu, Hotaru said she'll be there at four-thirty.

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><p><strong>Hyuuga_Natsume:<strong>

Geez, you suck at this love crap worse than Masachika-sensei did back when we were kids. And everyone thinks he was dating Mikan's mum.

**Shiki_baby:**

Pfft, women find me sexy and I know it.

**Hyuuga_Natsume:**

They find you as sexy as Narumi you mean.

**Anonymous:**

Buy her a bear plushie.

**MrLucaNogi:**

You want me to but Hotaru a bear plushie?

**Anonymous:**

Yes.

**KokoKola:**

Ruka, count yourself lucky that she said yes to the proposal. You get to live.

**DaLoveGuru:**

Thank god. Your wife is amazing. I won! I finally bet 'Mimi Imfurst'. 'Claire Voyant' finally won!

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><p><em><span>MrLucaNogi/0936378/Topic:Women?/006/_

Thank you 'Anonymous' for being the only one in that topic to not spam.

Hotaru loved the bear but I don't quite understand, why did you know to get her one? Also, where the hell did Mikan go? She just completely disappeared. I just do not get women . . . or Mochu.

Yours sincerely,

Nogi Ruka

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><p><strong>Bubblepop69:<strong>

I'm right here silly! Hotaru liked her bear? Good for you. Xx

Hyuuga Mikan

**Anonymous:**

That'll be 600 yen; all information comes at a price.

**MrLucaNogi:**

I have no idea how to send it to you.

**Anonymous:**

Put it in Igon Uratoh's Nez account.

**MrLucaNogi:**

That's your name? Igon Uratoh?

**Anonymous:**

Maybe.

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><p><em><span>MrLucaNogi/0936378/Topic:Women?/007/_

You know what? I give up. I just do not get women and I never will. Natsume and the guys were right.

Yours sincerely,

Nogi Ruka.

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><p>Hotaru (the previously mentioned wife of Ruka) smiled slyly at the screen, having read the conversation out aloud to all the girlfriends see made back in school, "and that's how you manipulate a guy, girls".<p> 


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